Take Me To Post Comment Form UFO Spotted in L.A. -- 12 diplomats struggle to deliver victory By Parimal M. Rohit Staff Writer LOS ANGELES -- Aliens from Planet Ugly were in the shadows of the Hollywood sign Thursday evening, when basketball fans and players were holding on for dear life between 8 and 9:30 p.m. as Staples Center in downtown Los Angeles was converted into the spaceship it was long believed to be. Known as Spaceship to Planet Ugly, the foreign aircraft was allegedly piloted by a Bird from French Lick, Indiana. More than 19,000 people were held hostage during the 90 minute ordeal, though scientists say the actual lapse in time was 24 human minutes, as opposed to the supposed 90 Celtician minutes that hostages claimed. According to recent reports by eyewitnesses, the hostages were tortured by little green monsters. "They tried to snatch our bodies," said Jordan Farmar, 22, a UCLA grad who was one of the thousands of victims aboard the spaceship. "I think they wanted to steal our golden ball. I don't know why -- we only have 14 to their 16." While many were shaken by the ordeal, commentators were quick to say that Thursday evening's attack was one of epic magnitude. "Usually, these kind of things happen at Paul Pierce's alma mater of Kansas or Nick Van Exel's home," quipped Jesus Shuttlesworth, a Martian who bore striking resemblance to Ray Allen and allegedly stole a movie title role from Kobe Bryant more than 10 years ago. Coincidentally, both Shuttlesworth and Bryant were both seen by eyewitnesses in the spaceship. "But, man, in Los Angeles? That's "terrible" as Chuck Barkley would say." It was unclear what, exactly, the aliens wanted, though the victims appeared cooperative, according to a Planet Ugly spokes-alien. "We are eying the Larry O'Brien Trophy, and we'll take it this week or next," spokes-alien Paul Pierce said in a televised statement. "Our intent is to take it while we are here in Los Angeles, that way we can release the hostages from their misery." Pierce confirmed that Jackson sent 12 delegates on behalf of the convoy of diplomats to negotiate a truce. Briefed on the situation in Washington, President George Bush said Thursday's hostage crisis was an act of terror. "The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself," President Bush said. When told that Hussein was killed by hanging on Dec. 30, 2006, he responded: "I'm the commander — see, I don't need to explain — I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being president." However, escalation proved unnecessary; the Celticians and 12 delegates agreed that basketball is just a game. Moments later, both agreed to meet Tuesday evening at Staples Center to negotiate a settlement. Jackson agreed to the weekend-long truce, and directed reporters to Kobe Bryant, his lead delegate. "The series ain't over," Bryant said. "It's far from over." A spectator who witnessed the whole event from Cleveland offered a different perspective. "This is the greatest invasion in the history of all invasions," said Bill Walton, whose son, Luke, was one of the 12 delegates attempting to establish contact with the Bostonian aliens. "The invaders had the second greatest red-head of all time with them, it's incredible!" The senior Walton was apparently referring to the Celtician's lone red-head named Brian Scalabrine, a former USC student who is now a flight attendant on Spaceship to Planet Ugly. A former Bruin, Walton indicated he was the only person greater than Scalabrine, apparent proof that UCLA is superior to USC, even in intergalactic politics. According to authorities, the senior Walton was involved in a similar, attempted invasion in both 1985 and 1987. However, when Los Angeles requested the services of 12 purple and gold delegates in those years, the delegation proved successful in squelching the little-green monster attack. It is uncertain whether this recent delegation will be as successful.